rose_of_pain: (bitchslap)
This is just Lyn's bad week all around. See my icon? Well that's what life is doing to me right now. lol

I'm currently dealing with the fact I don't have enough time to do all I need to do. Going to try to do it all anyways. >>; But will probably still be working on stuff Thurs night at the con. Which will be hard considering I've got really late night skit practice and I need to get up early both Fri and Sat. But eh I'll figure it out.

But to top it off, I just got a returned package. The Gii plushie I made? The address on it was wrong so they sent it back to me. x_x I check the e-mail and I put exactly what she gave me. She just got the number wrong as I looked at the paypal account and yeah, just one little itty bitty number was wrong. *headdesk* Not my fault though. 'Cause she told me to use the one in her e-mail and the paypal was from her Dad so for all I knew, her Dad could have lived in a different house. But yeah just sucks as it means I'm going to have to ask her for shipping again and I'm going to feel bad about that.

And now my PS3 doesn't want to work. T___T And no it wasn't even plugged in to anything when the storm went through so it didn't get short circuited (thank god). It works. It turns on. But it doesn't come up on the TV screen. It's not the cable as I switched the PS2 cable with it and same thing. And the PS2 comes up fine. So I think something is wrong with the jack for the cable in the PS3. X_X; Which there isn't much I can do about that so may have to send it in. At least I think it's still under warranty and I know I didn't do anything to it as I haven't even played it in over a month and there's no damage. I mean, unless anyone can think of a reason why it might be doing that? least none of these things are my fault. Everything just hates me this week, I think. lol I just keep telling myself "at the end of all of this, there is Yoshiki". XD Sad I know but it's a good motivator. ...unless he suddenly cancels or something evil like that. hahaha....ha..............ha. T____T;



Jul. 30th, 2009 03:51 pm
rose_of_pain: (cloud - prozac)
Had a job interview today over at Shakespeare. Was pretty much prepared for the rejection going into it considering I knew I probably wasn't qualified for the job though had a slight hope that maybe my experience at Signature could mean I can work for other places by now.

Eh, not really. lol She kept repeating the fact that I'm just really young (really? It looked like most of the stitchers weren't that much older than me and I keep feeling like I'm actually doing this too late or something...) and haven't had the right experience yet. But that if anything comes up and she needs some smaller overhire work, that she would call me up. Made sure I was available and checked up on my number so there's hope there but really...I don't know if I can keep doing this thing of only a few hours here and there at a theater or two. Especially with how long it takes to get to them.

So my options are to actually go to school for this which the lady at Shakespeare highly encouraged I look into grad school and whatnot as they train you exactly what to do for the professional setting. Or ya know, do a different field. Granted I actually was just about to look at other options before I got that e-mail for the interview. So its not like its that much of a change in plans. Just, I dunno, gave me hope for a second as it would've been a really great opportunity. ^^;

Blah, I hate not knowing what I want to do. lol 'Cause I keep wondering if I have enough of a drive for it before I consider really going to school for the costuming thing. Because I don't want to waste all that money if I don't and I'm not sure if I do or not. I sorta do? I dunno...but at the same time I also have that for things related to what I did study in school. Just ya know, harder to find things for an English major who doesn't want to do Journalism or Teaching (at least not right now, I could consider teaching later on in life but bleeeh not my first option). Maybe I really should find out what exactly one needs to do to become an Editor as that is something I've considered several times but I hear they're cutting down on editors these days. T_T

Argh I wish I was still in school. T_T And ya know, was smart enough to ask my advisors on what I should do 'cause ya know, that's what they were there for? And yet I never did that. *bangs head against wall*

...I am so sorry I keep rambling about this as I'm totally realizing that this is like what, probably the 5th or so entry like this I've written in the last few months? lol Its like my journal consists of either fandom rambles or me being all "I don't know what to do real life sucks waaaiii" /fails

rose_of_pain: (bah humbug)
I tried to fix something. Thought it'd be easy. Thought I knew what the problem was for sure.

Well, it didn't work. Tried several other things. They didn't work either.

End result. It now looks worse than when I started.

And this isn't even one of the new costumes! God Ciel why...

I am rethinking my desire to enter this costume anymore as I'm not feeling so great about it lately after seeing several other cosplayers do it at AX and do it...a lot better...and I look at mine and realize everything I did wrong and just feel like throwing it out the window. (I already did throw it down the stairs when I was first working on it in frustration at one point.)

ahphpghiphpih This is supposed to be a fun hobby, not one that makes me want to curl in a ball and die. lol

That and now because of this I am waaaaay further behind than I was before. As in, I might actually not finish one of my costumes for the first time ever. I know, that's not really a biggie but still, I kinda took pride in the fact I've always got everything done I planned to do.

rose_of_pain: (dilandau)
So when Lyn isn't working...Lyn gets really antsy. She doesn't like the feeling of not doing anything. So she feels she has to do something.

On and off ever since college ended Lyn has been on this mission to try to make her living space (not her room mind you, Lyn only sleeps there and uses it as storage really, Lyn really lives downstairs in what was once a family room) actually look...decent.

Except every time Lyn tries to do this...she hits a rock. Or well really usually a gigantic stack of VHS tapes or a kitty toy that's never used or some unidentifiable-why-the-hell-do-we-have-this-THING! And can't figure out what to do with and tears her hair out in frustration and gives up.

So Lyn is back at it and frustrated only after a few hours of just trying to rearrange DVDs and videogames.

*cry* I just want to have space for things and for this place to finally stop looking like a mess. I got my room figured out but this space just never gets any better no matter how hard I try. T_T And its not all my fault as there is stuff belonging to my parents too down here and we're all such horrible horrible pack rats that never throw anything away. Gah!

Its horrible as I actually have to force myself to not look at something when throwing it away or giving it away, to not have second doubts, because I get so attached to everything. Everything. As a kid I would make everything into something amazing in my mind so even getting rid of some of the stupidest things is hard for me because everything has a memory. But a house full of memories is dangerous when you're tripping everywhere and have no space for anything new.

And well the real reason I don't invite people over very often is 'cause I'm also rather embarrassed by it. Though hopefully it will only be a few more years before I can move out and thus have a new space to arrange my stuff in and be forced to get rid of everything I don't need as I think that will finally get me to let go of stupid things I hold onto. *nod*

rose_of_pain: (rosiel (tiringil))
So I am starting to realize that I do kinda miss RPing and that I really need to find new people to RP with. Thing is...I'm not sure who to ask or where to look. Its a bit hard when I've gotten so used to RPing with just one person for the last several years. You develop a system and get used to a certain style and so you don't want to do something different...but...things change.

I thought I could just learn to do without but I must admit I really do like having that outlet on occasion. Don't need it constantly but ya know, a nice session once every week or so would be nice at least.

I'm not really into multi-verse and I know that's what most of you do these days. I don't mind LiveJournal RPs but every one I was ever in had a short lifespan, lol. And I think really the only ones out there that stay active are multi-verse.

I honestly prefer RPs over messengers but also am not a big fan of "paragraph mode" just because it takes so long. I mean I don't mind lengthy posts, I do like them. I just don't want to have to wait 30-45 minutes for a novel from the person RPing with me. ^^; Though I'm always nervous starting it off with someone new as everyone has their own styles and I tend to not write very well when I'm RPing and also since I've gotten used to a certain style, I'm nervous about being able to adapt to others' styles.

So I guess this is me looking if anyone is interested in RPing with me? Or at least suggestions as to where I should go to look for people. I must admit I tend to prefer doing RPs that involve yaoi as I'm shameless like that and I tend to like some porn in my RPs from time to time though its not necessary (though informing me whether you are or aren't into that before a session starts is good to know to avoid any awkwardness). I must admit I am a little picky on what I RP which tends to be the reason why its hard for me to find people.

These are the fandoms I'm definitely willing to do: Persona 4, Final Fantasy VII, Tsubasa, Code Geass, Count Cain, Angel Sanctuary, Weiss Kreuz, Trinity Blood, Kuroshitsuji, and I'm sure I'd be willing to try something as long as its a fandom I like. I'm not into J-Rock RPing anymore. I used to but its no longer my cup of tea. I also like original RPs though that takes a bit more planning and whatnot.

n_n;; It actually took me a bit of courage to write up this post. lol As I really don't think I'm that great at RPing and I'm so picky at subject matters and I try not to tell people my silly pervy RP habits but I'm getting a bit desperate. T_T And seeing/hearing others RP makes me sad I'm not doing it anymore.



Apr. 27th, 2009 10:29 pm
rose_of_pain: (trc - fai & subaru)
Why am I so boring? x_x; /fails



Apr. 9th, 2009 03:22 pm
rose_of_pain: (bah humbug)
Ok, so I'm not quitting cosplay. Yet. But dear god I've been contemplating which would be more painful...

Jumping off a cliff. Or finishing this costume. -_-

Let's just say I did this huge seam that took me an entire day, then realized it wasn't working and should be taken out and redone. But I thought I could be sneaky and fix it in an easier route. And it didn't work. So I had to take that out and now still have to take out the original seams. Ugh.

And I still have no idea how to fix the sides. This is just the bottom. The sides...I'm kinda clueless on and I'm just so sick of everything I make turning out so crappy-looking. I just want one decent looking costume. Why is that so hard?

rose_of_pain: (crisis core - cloud)
Why am I so dumb when it comes to big important life things? Like jobs.

So I've been mentioning to a lot of you that I managed to get another job at Signature. Only for a month but at least its something. Though sadly as I haven't had work since November on this front, I think I'm going to have to go elsewhere after this. Which does make my heart sink a little as I love this job but there is no steady career there and I can't really afford to do that where I am right now.

So tomorrow is what I thought is the first day. Tiffany (the girl that takes care of all the business work for the costume shop) e-mailed me a while ago saying she'd get in contact with me about schedule details and all. And I told her I could work the whole period and she mentioned that her and Guy were thinking I wouldn't work every day to save me on the commute but I'm like thinking "I don't mind, I need the money." But anyways as I hadn't gotten any further notice since and I was kinda at least expecting a "work starts tomorrow, be here at this time" e-mail to all of us workers for this show...I decided to re-read over the previous e-mails a few more times. And noticed that she mentions that she mostly wants "part time work with a few full weeks every now and then" and then lists 2 weekends she definitely needs people for. So I'm sitting here going "...wait. It's not a full month job is it? Does she only want me for those two weekends? I mean when I said I could work the whole time she didn't say anything against it, just that I wouldn't do every day so i thought maybe a day or two a week...not...only a few days of actual work...what does this mean?! Do I come in tomorrow?"

So I'm like freaking out right now. And of course I only have the e-mails and phone numbers of the office and nobody's there on a Sunday. So all I can hope for is maybe Tiffany checks the e-mail while at home too and can respond to my question about when exactly I need to come in. I did say I'd come in tomorrow as I had planned just to be sure as I figure that it would make sense them wanting everyone to come in the first day, ya know? Especially if I need to re-do any paperwork. But like, I also don't want to go all the way over there and look really stupid if they're all "...what are you doing here?"

And ugh. I'm just...I wish I had an actual direction or something. I know everyone tells me when I'm freaking out that its just the way the economy is now and everyone is having a hard time and I need to realize its going to be hard. But that's not very reassuring when you're as poor as I am with loans looming over your head.

And I'm not even sure what to do after this job no matter how many days it ends up being. 'Cause I keep saying that I'll probably listen to Dad and try to find some government job since ya know I'm around DC, its the easiest type of steady job for someone like me to get but I have to act now before the next year gets out of college as they'll beat me to the jobs otherwise. So I'm like ok. But um, what do I do? I have no idea how to look for that stuff as I've only ever looked for artsy related things. And Dad keeps saying he'll help me but then its like he hasn't really said much to me on it and I'm like "uhhhh, you're the one who keeps being on my case about it but keeps saying you'll help me with your connections. So um, help?" Though I really keep trying to emphasize to him that I at least want something that will deal with my major (English) because I do love to write so hopefully if its something mostly writing based then I won't want to kill myself?

Because I'm just like so depressed over the idea that I may get stuck in a cubicle job this early on. I don't want that. I never wanted a cubicle job. That's like my worst scenario. But I'm like "would the jobs Dad's talking about count as that?" 'Cause I mean there are desk jobs that aren't "cubicle jobs" where its much more spacious and you don't feel like a worker drone. So I hope its more like that but I've learned lately not to get my hopes up concerning anything.

I just once again feel like I've wasted a good part of my life already. Yeah I know, you'll all say "but you're still young!" but like really I'm already starting to exit the years of when you have to do all the stuff that will gain you a good career. I just feel like I should have done something else. Maybe I should have tried to actually pursue costuming more so like what Tara is doing now. But then again, I can't design and there's not much else outside of that. And I also don't really care much for "fashion" so yeah. As there really isn't an actual career in the theater costuming like I had hoped. And I was a coward and didn't fill out the internships and apprenticeships because I realized that they were really looking for Theater majors and I knew I wouldn't be able to give them the letters of recommendation that they were looking for (as I'd only be able to give 2 costume shop related ones as I've only had 2 bosses and they wanted 3 and who the hell would I go to for that 3rd one?) And like I only want to do the costuming aspect of Theater. To be a Theater major I'd have to actually do acting and directing and things like that that I have no skills for. Unless I went to a school solely for costuming but I've also been reminded that even the people that do that, still have a hard time finding a solid steady paying job. I mean hell I'm doing the same work the majors are doing. The only reason they still keep at it is because they have other artsy skills and take on a million art jobs. But um, I don't have the ability to be like my one co-worker who designs jewelry, works for a sculptor, and works a bead retail job, along with a costume shop job, all at the same time. And barely makes rent. I couldn't do that.

I often wish that I had a passion for science or something more practical. I wish I had been better at math or other things. Because if I enjoyed that stuff then I would have no problem going the same direction as my other friends who already had jobs and interns lined up for them right after school. Me...I took the literal arts route and while I loved it dearly, the only job I could really get from it is teaching. And as I've told many people, I would hate being a teacher. And there really isn't much else out there to do with my major. *sigh* As we all know being a starving novelist isn't a very good idea. Especially considering how long it takes me to finish a story.

And I know I could try taking on a retail job like most my other college friends are doing right now while they wait to find other things. But I guess its silly to say but that feels like defeat for me. I hate retail jobs mostly because I hate not having a constant steady schedule. I hate not knowing when I'm going to work the next week and I hate having it all over the place. That and I think the only retail jobs that wouldn't drive me crazy would be sewing stores but like...I don't really want to go back to JoAnn's as I hate their system and I can't stand the manager. And everyone I liked at the store has long since left except for like 2 people. And I don't know if I could handle all the dumb teens that work there now. I wish Hancock would need people but I don't think they'd hire someone as young as me even if they did considering everyone I see working there is pretty old as I think they prefer more experienced seamstresses (which is fine by me customer wise as it does make it a lot better experience than it is at JoAnn's). Bah, maybe I should go see if Yankee Candle still is interested as they were trying to talk me into a job there a while ago.

...why can't I be smarter about these things? And I'm always so dependent on my parents for help its ridiculous. I'm actually really terrified that I won't be able to live on my own as I don't think I know how right now. I want to move out in the next few years but can I really? When I rely on them so heavily for everything. I mean dear god I don't even know how to cook. There are so many things that just about everyone I know just knows how to do and I don't. Or am really bad at it. Like cleaning, driving, etc. Normal things. It makes me feel like such a loser. The only things I'm good at are things that really have no use in real life.

EDIT: Got a reply. Don't need me until next week. And not even sure when next week...*cry* Guess I'll be looking for retail work during this week.

rose_of_pain: (Default)
This has been bugging me for a while but...

Comment to this post and tell me what you all really think of me. Tell me any issues you have. I want people to be honest here as I feel like a lot of you don't actually like me and are just not telling me.

I turned anonymous commenting on so you don't have to say who you are or whatever unless you want to.

Edit: Aw screw it, turning automatic screening off as you guys are all way too nice. XP But leaving anon on just in case.
rose_of_pain: (cloud - prozac)
Warning: Angst Post about real life shit in...5...4...3...2...1...

I got an e-mail a while ago from Leon (costume shop head back in college) about a DC Theater Career Fair so I went to check it out and all. Was super nervous, not knowing what to expect. Brought my mini portfolio of costume photos and a few things I had done, printed out a gazillion copies of my resume, etc. there. And didn't know what to do. I went around to the tables and talked to all the theaters, yeah. But I barely gave out my resume and had no one to even show my work to. Since there were no actual representatives for the costume fields at the theaters, didn't seem like a good idea to show these people as they were mostly just the management and really all I got was lots of flyers about the various internships and apprenticeships.

I mean it was still good as now I know what places do have apprenticeships for the costume shops. But it got me thinking and after Dad gave me his pep talk on the whole thing too...

I really have no idea what the fuck I'm doing.

I have to make a decision here. And I don't know what to decide. Do I continue trying to pursue this costume shop thing? Or do I actually go use my Major for something and try being a tech writer or even look into a more scholarly aspect (which does mean I'd have to go teach most likely though and thus need more schooling.) And I need to decide soon. And I'm scared to make the wrong decision and I really don't know what I want to do with my future. My only goal really is to move out before I'm 30 and be able to still go to cons and cosplay. Haven't really thought much beyond that.

So here's the pros and cons of each direction I could take and to give a little insight on why I'm so indecisive on this...

Career Paths )


2nd niece

Aug. 29th, 2008 12:44 pm
rose_of_pain: (dilandau)
So my brother Mark and his wife just had their 2nd child today.

Just when I was finally getting used to Lauren (their 1st) as she's finally gotten to the age where she doesn't bother me as much...they have another!

So now its baby time all over again. x_x;; Time for fake smiles and wanting to throw up at the dinner table when they come over all over again.

So I guess we're going to go see them in the hospital either later today or tomorrow. *really doesn't want to*

rose_of_pain: (bah humbug)
I hate that song "I kissed a girl" by Katy Perry.

I find it rather offensive and it annoys me every time I hear it.

I don't feel like explaining why as I think it should be obvious if you know me and know the lyrics to the song.


rose_of_pain: (rosiel (tiringil))
So last night I took a shower and noticed the water was a bit low on pressure but I thought I just hadn't turned it up that high. Then before bed noticed the water in the faucet was running low and the toilets weren't making as much sound. Mom is like "hey, does anyone else notice the water pressure is low?" Dad and I: "oh yeah..." Mom: "You two could have said something x_x;" Both of us: "I thought I was imagining things..."

Anyways so we're all like "oh crap, was there a water break somewhere?" and sure enough there was. And this morning we had no running water at all for a few hours. It came back but they've told the whole area to limited use of water (no laundry, damnit, I was going to do mine today x_x;) and to boil any water before drinking or using it. They fixed the water break (I think?) but we still have to wait like 3 days before we can use the water at leisure again.

I do sadly have some painting I need to do but its only a little bit so I think it won't waste too much water. *nod* 'Cause I need to paint a bit more on Cloud's armor and paint Fai's collar charm if I do in fact make it this time around.

rose_of_pain: (cloud - prozac)
This video project continues to kick my ass. Big time. Ugggh. Went through a lot of issues including programs freezing on me (did I ever mention how much I hate Macs? >>;;), forgetting needed cables and thus not being able to edit at all, having no time, and bad lighting, as well as my professor being so anal with all my shots. He doesn't like any of the stuff I've done so far. >> Screw him.

I've also been going through some major issues of depression and loneliness the last few months. I hate the fact that everyone lives so far away from me and the people that do live in my state I never seem to be able to get a hold of. I have NO social life. Even here at college I just don't have anyone I can really connect with and have fun hanging with.

God I need to get out more often. I want to say its my goal once I'm done with college (which is only in less than a month now) to get out more and hang with people...except I have a terrible feeling that won't happen and I'll just be in my parents' house each weekend feeling terribly alone.

Saturday I went to the sakura matsuri in DC and while most of it was a lot of fun, I had a few moments where I felt really down. And its hard to explain too but it was the same feeling I get at cons a lot. Where I have a lot of friends and people I know present but it seems like I can't connect with any of them and that I'm not really having as much fun as the people around me. Where everyone seems to have people they know so well and can just have a blast without having to try much. And I feel left out no matter what I do. Its odd and I don't know what my problem is.

But anyway, regardless, it was fun, even if I did come back totally sunburned. I organized a doll meet and at least some people came though I was kinda expecting more people (but I was also afraid no one would show up ^^;;). The festival itself seemed to be lacking this year though. Not sure if anyone else felt that but Andrew and Hamilton (who I traveled to DC with) also seemed to be disapointed with it. I think the most fun I had that day was the part of the doll meet when we were at the Sackler garden and the last hour or so of the day when I was just sitting on these steps with Rachel and Kumo (two doll people who decided to hang with me the rest of the day) and our dolls and some other doll people (who missed the meet) spotted us and congregated wit us and we ended up having this sorta-mini-doll-meet right there. XP But of course thats when Andrew and Hamilton decided we should leave, of course, when I was finally having fun again. lol Oh well. I really didn't want to leave at that point.

But there will be photos from the doll meet up on my doll LJ prolly sometime tomorrow. Already posted them on DOA but haven't on the LJ yet as I want to be more detailed in descriptions and I'm just too tired from all this video work right now.


ugh -_-

Dec. 22nd, 2006 02:51 pm
rose_of_pain: (bah humbug)
So I look at my account. And I find a mysterious transaction. Call up the company its for and its definitly a charge that I never made for something I would never buy nor have ever heard of. They got my information and sent it to their investigation team to look it up. But yeah, I'm not happy. At least the charge wasn't that much but now I'm freaked out that someone may have accessed my account. Not exactly a comforting feeling.

Blargh! ~_~ And the only thing I've done lately was paypal stuff so I'm very confused since they're pretty damn secure and all.

Gah, now I'm going to be worried about this all day. And they might not be able to get back to me on it til after x-mas. Great.



rose_of_pain: (Default)

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