well...fuck...
Apr. 5th, 2009 01:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rose_of_painWhy am I so dumb when it comes to big important life things? Like jobs.
So I've been mentioning to a lot of you that I managed to get another job at Signature. Only for a month but at least its something. Though sadly as I haven't had work since November on this front, I think I'm going to have to go elsewhere after this. Which does make my heart sink a little as I love this job but there is no steady career there and I can't really afford to do that where I am right now.
So tomorrow is what I thought is the first day. Tiffany (the girl that takes care of all the business work for the costume shop) e-mailed me a while ago saying she'd get in contact with me about schedule details and all. And I told her I could work the whole period and she mentioned that her and Guy were thinking I wouldn't work every day to save me on the commute but I'm like thinking "I don't mind, I need the money." But anyways as I hadn't gotten any further notice since and I was kinda at least expecting a "work starts tomorrow, be here at this time" e-mail to all of us workers for this show...I decided to re-read over the previous e-mails a few more times. And noticed that she mentions that she mostly wants "part time work with a few full weeks every now and then" and then lists 2 weekends she definitely needs people for. So I'm sitting here going "...wait. It's not a full month job is it? Does she only want me for those two weekends? I mean when I said I could work the whole time she didn't say anything against it, just that I wouldn't do every day so i thought maybe a day or two a week...not...only a few days of actual work...what does this mean?! Do I come in tomorrow?"
So I'm like freaking out right now. And of course I only have the e-mails and phone numbers of the office and nobody's there on a Sunday. So all I can hope for is maybe Tiffany checks the e-mail while at home too and can respond to my question about when exactly I need to come in. I did say I'd come in tomorrow as I had planned just to be sure as I figure that it would make sense them wanting everyone to come in the first day, ya know? Especially if I need to re-do any paperwork. But like, I also don't want to go all the way over there and look really stupid if they're all "...what are you doing here?"
And ugh. I'm just...I wish I had an actual direction or something. I know everyone tells me when I'm freaking out that its just the way the economy is now and everyone is having a hard time and I need to realize its going to be hard. But that's not very reassuring when you're as poor as I am with loans looming over your head.
And I'm not even sure what to do after this job no matter how many days it ends up being. 'Cause I keep saying that I'll probably listen to Dad and try to find some government job since ya know I'm around DC, its the easiest type of steady job for someone like me to get but I have to act now before the next year gets out of college as they'll beat me to the jobs otherwise. So I'm like ok. But um, what do I do? I have no idea how to look for that stuff as I've only ever looked for artsy related things. And Dad keeps saying he'll help me but then its like he hasn't really said much to me on it and I'm like "uhhhh, you're the one who keeps being on my case about it but keeps saying you'll help me with your connections. So um, help?" Though I really keep trying to emphasize to him that I at least want something that will deal with my major (English) because I do love to write so hopefully if its something mostly writing based then I won't want to kill myself?
Because I'm just like so depressed over the idea that I may get stuck in a cubicle job this early on. I don't want that. I never wanted a cubicle job. That's like my worst scenario. But I'm like "would the jobs Dad's talking about count as that?" 'Cause I mean there are desk jobs that aren't "cubicle jobs" where its much more spacious and you don't feel like a worker drone. So I hope its more like that but I've learned lately not to get my hopes up concerning anything.
I just once again feel like I've wasted a good part of my life already. Yeah I know, you'll all say "but you're still young!" but like really I'm already starting to exit the years of when you have to do all the stuff that will gain you a good career. I just feel like I should have done something else. Maybe I should have tried to actually pursue costuming more so like what Tara is doing now. But then again, I can't design and there's not much else outside of that. And I also don't really care much for "fashion" so yeah. As there really isn't an actual career in the theater costuming like I had hoped. And I was a coward and didn't fill out the internships and apprenticeships because I realized that they were really looking for Theater majors and I knew I wouldn't be able to give them the letters of recommendation that they were looking for (as I'd only be able to give 2 costume shop related ones as I've only had 2 bosses and they wanted 3 and who the hell would I go to for that 3rd one?) And like I only want to do the costuming aspect of Theater. To be a Theater major I'd have to actually do acting and directing and things like that that I have no skills for. Unless I went to a school solely for costuming but I've also been reminded that even the people that do that, still have a hard time finding a solid steady paying job. I mean hell I'm doing the same work the majors are doing. The only reason they still keep at it is because they have other artsy skills and take on a million art jobs. But um, I don't have the ability to be like my one co-worker who designs jewelry, works for a sculptor, and works a bead retail job, along with a costume shop job, all at the same time. And barely makes rent. I couldn't do that.
I often wish that I had a passion for science or something more practical. I wish I had been better at math or other things. Because if I enjoyed that stuff then I would have no problem going the same direction as my other friends who already had jobs and interns lined up for them right after school. Me...I took the literal arts route and while I loved it dearly, the only job I could really get from it is teaching. And as I've told many people, I would hate being a teacher. And there really isn't much else out there to do with my major. *sigh* As we all know being a starving novelist isn't a very good idea. Especially considering how long it takes me to finish a story.
And I know I could try taking on a retail job like most my other college friends are doing right now while they wait to find other things. But I guess its silly to say but that feels like defeat for me. I hate retail jobs mostly because I hate not having a constant steady schedule. I hate not knowing when I'm going to work the next week and I hate having it all over the place. That and I think the only retail jobs that wouldn't drive me crazy would be sewing stores but like...I don't really want to go back to JoAnn's as I hate their system and I can't stand the manager. And everyone I liked at the store has long since left except for like 2 people. And I don't know if I could handle all the dumb teens that work there now. I wish Hancock would need people but I don't think they'd hire someone as young as me even if they did considering everyone I see working there is pretty old as I think they prefer more experienced seamstresses (which is fine by me customer wise as it does make it a lot better experience than it is at JoAnn's). Bah, maybe I should go see if Yankee Candle still is interested as they were trying to talk me into a job there a while ago.
...why can't I be smarter about these things? And I'm always so dependent on my parents for help its ridiculous. I'm actually really terrified that I won't be able to live on my own as I don't think I know how right now. I want to move out in the next few years but can I really? When I rely on them so heavily for everything. I mean dear god I don't even know how to cook. There are so many things that just about everyone I know just knows how to do and I don't. Or am really bad at it. Like cleaning, driving, etc. Normal things. It makes me feel like such a loser. The only things I'm good at are things that really have no use in real life.
EDIT: Got a reply. Don't need me until next week. And not even sure when next week...*cry* Guess I'll be looking for retail work during this week.
~Lyn
So I've been mentioning to a lot of you that I managed to get another job at Signature. Only for a month but at least its something. Though sadly as I haven't had work since November on this front, I think I'm going to have to go elsewhere after this. Which does make my heart sink a little as I love this job but there is no steady career there and I can't really afford to do that where I am right now.
So tomorrow is what I thought is the first day. Tiffany (the girl that takes care of all the business work for the costume shop) e-mailed me a while ago saying she'd get in contact with me about schedule details and all. And I told her I could work the whole period and she mentioned that her and Guy were thinking I wouldn't work every day to save me on the commute but I'm like thinking "I don't mind, I need the money." But anyways as I hadn't gotten any further notice since and I was kinda at least expecting a "work starts tomorrow, be here at this time" e-mail to all of us workers for this show...I decided to re-read over the previous e-mails a few more times. And noticed that she mentions that she mostly wants "part time work with a few full weeks every now and then" and then lists 2 weekends she definitely needs people for. So I'm sitting here going "...wait. It's not a full month job is it? Does she only want me for those two weekends? I mean when I said I could work the whole time she didn't say anything against it, just that I wouldn't do every day so i thought maybe a day or two a week...not...only a few days of actual work...what does this mean?! Do I come in tomorrow?"
So I'm like freaking out right now. And of course I only have the e-mails and phone numbers of the office and nobody's there on a Sunday. So all I can hope for is maybe Tiffany checks the e-mail while at home too and can respond to my question about when exactly I need to come in. I did say I'd come in tomorrow as I had planned just to be sure as I figure that it would make sense them wanting everyone to come in the first day, ya know? Especially if I need to re-do any paperwork. But like, I also don't want to go all the way over there and look really stupid if they're all "...what are you doing here?"
And ugh. I'm just...I wish I had an actual direction or something. I know everyone tells me when I'm freaking out that its just the way the economy is now and everyone is having a hard time and I need to realize its going to be hard. But that's not very reassuring when you're as poor as I am with loans looming over your head.
And I'm not even sure what to do after this job no matter how many days it ends up being. 'Cause I keep saying that I'll probably listen to Dad and try to find some government job since ya know I'm around DC, its the easiest type of steady job for someone like me to get but I have to act now before the next year gets out of college as they'll beat me to the jobs otherwise. So I'm like ok. But um, what do I do? I have no idea how to look for that stuff as I've only ever looked for artsy related things. And Dad keeps saying he'll help me but then its like he hasn't really said much to me on it and I'm like "uhhhh, you're the one who keeps being on my case about it but keeps saying you'll help me with your connections. So um, help?" Though I really keep trying to emphasize to him that I at least want something that will deal with my major (English) because I do love to write so hopefully if its something mostly writing based then I won't want to kill myself?
Because I'm just like so depressed over the idea that I may get stuck in a cubicle job this early on. I don't want that. I never wanted a cubicle job. That's like my worst scenario. But I'm like "would the jobs Dad's talking about count as that?" 'Cause I mean there are desk jobs that aren't "cubicle jobs" where its much more spacious and you don't feel like a worker drone. So I hope its more like that but I've learned lately not to get my hopes up concerning anything.
I just once again feel like I've wasted a good part of my life already. Yeah I know, you'll all say "but you're still young!" but like really I'm already starting to exit the years of when you have to do all the stuff that will gain you a good career. I just feel like I should have done something else. Maybe I should have tried to actually pursue costuming more so like what Tara is doing now. But then again, I can't design and there's not much else outside of that. And I also don't really care much for "fashion" so yeah. As there really isn't an actual career in the theater costuming like I had hoped. And I was a coward and didn't fill out the internships and apprenticeships because I realized that they were really looking for Theater majors and I knew I wouldn't be able to give them the letters of recommendation that they were looking for (as I'd only be able to give 2 costume shop related ones as I've only had 2 bosses and they wanted 3 and who the hell would I go to for that 3rd one?) And like I only want to do the costuming aspect of Theater. To be a Theater major I'd have to actually do acting and directing and things like that that I have no skills for. Unless I went to a school solely for costuming but I've also been reminded that even the people that do that, still have a hard time finding a solid steady paying job. I mean hell I'm doing the same work the majors are doing. The only reason they still keep at it is because they have other artsy skills and take on a million art jobs. But um, I don't have the ability to be like my one co-worker who designs jewelry, works for a sculptor, and works a bead retail job, along with a costume shop job, all at the same time. And barely makes rent. I couldn't do that.
I often wish that I had a passion for science or something more practical. I wish I had been better at math or other things. Because if I enjoyed that stuff then I would have no problem going the same direction as my other friends who already had jobs and interns lined up for them right after school. Me...I took the literal arts route and while I loved it dearly, the only job I could really get from it is teaching. And as I've told many people, I would hate being a teacher. And there really isn't much else out there to do with my major. *sigh* As we all know being a starving novelist isn't a very good idea. Especially considering how long it takes me to finish a story.
And I know I could try taking on a retail job like most my other college friends are doing right now while they wait to find other things. But I guess its silly to say but that feels like defeat for me. I hate retail jobs mostly because I hate not having a constant steady schedule. I hate not knowing when I'm going to work the next week and I hate having it all over the place. That and I think the only retail jobs that wouldn't drive me crazy would be sewing stores but like...I don't really want to go back to JoAnn's as I hate their system and I can't stand the manager. And everyone I liked at the store has long since left except for like 2 people. And I don't know if I could handle all the dumb teens that work there now. I wish Hancock would need people but I don't think they'd hire someone as young as me even if they did considering everyone I see working there is pretty old as I think they prefer more experienced seamstresses (which is fine by me customer wise as it does make it a lot better experience than it is at JoAnn's). Bah, maybe I should go see if Yankee Candle still is interested as they were trying to talk me into a job there a while ago.
...why can't I be smarter about these things? And I'm always so dependent on my parents for help its ridiculous. I'm actually really terrified that I won't be able to live on my own as I don't think I know how right now. I want to move out in the next few years but can I really? When I rely on them so heavily for everything. I mean dear god I don't even know how to cook. There are so many things that just about everyone I know just knows how to do and I don't. Or am really bad at it. Like cleaning, driving, etc. Normal things. It makes me feel like such a loser. The only things I'm good at are things that really have no use in real life.
EDIT: Got a reply. Don't need me until next week. And not even sure when next week...*cry* Guess I'll be looking for retail work during this week.
~Lyn
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no subject
Date: 2009-04-05 06:51 pm (UTC)You will have to make a choice between your passion and your needed for financial stability and the ability to survive. I don't know about you, but I would think that surviving for now so I can one day do something that I'm passionate about is a helluva better than withering away now.
I don't know if you have tried something other than arts-related areas. You don't have to necessary love the field that you're good at, but you definitely won't know what you're good at or love if you've never tried it. Accounting/basic bookkeeping will always be in demand, marketing/consulting needs very little in the way of experience but a lot in the way of charisma and fast sweet-talking.
Looking for a government job is like looking for most other jobs-- go search for postings or school recruitment centers, see what kind of qualifications they want, prep a resume and maybe a cover letter, get to know the recruiter and always follow up. It's much more about getting to know the people than what's actually on your resume.
All this information is out there, as long as you take the step forward to look for it. Hell, there's lot of job search help-sites. You really can't rely on your dad to push you every step of the way, because you will never get personal satisfaction like that, which I think is a large part of your depression. You must, MUST go into a job with the right attitude, even if it's one you don't really like-- a job gives you income, experience, prospects for the future, even if it doesn't apply all the things you spent so much time and money learning, because somewhere down the line, it might in one way or another. Your life isn't over, it really is just beginning. Shit sucks, endure it, it'll make you a better person for it. The only that is holding you back is your own lack of motivation and self-confidence.
Sorry to be so blunt, but I feel like you really could do much better if you tried.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-05 08:46 pm (UTC)I feel your pain.